The Large Print Giveth...
...and the small print taketh away.

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It's like...friends only, dude.

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Last night I dreamt that I was taking a walk with Drew Barrymore. I gave her some flirtatious compliment, and then she stopped walking and asked me if I wanted to kiss her, to which I responded, "Yes.". So we made out. I seem to remember it being nice.

Some other stuff happened too, I guess. It's always impossible to remember my dreams. The second I wake up, I can remember everything that happened, but as soon as I make a conscious decision to move my body in any way, they vanish. There was also something about ladders and an argument with a construction .

I took my cat Poe to the humane society with my mom today. I started choking up on the way back, which surprised me. As far as I can tell, she's hated me for years, and she's been nothing but a burden to me for quite a while.

I guess it was just that she's been in my life for so long, now. (Since I was 16!) All things considered, I think she'll be happier with somebody else, and I'm honestly glad to be rid of the responsibility.


My horoscope in the brattleboro reformer today was interesting:

Friends or loved ones - or both- are trying to pull you out of a funk. You're not doing much to help - so stop wallowing.


All things considered, it's probably sound advice.

Mood: blah
Music: Modest Mouse: The View

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A benevolent God would spare the rod, and all the wrath implied therein,
but why would he, when he can see how much I enjoy this glass of gin?



Went to court this morning. Never saw the judge, but rather, a long line of people doing paperwork. I assumed that I'd be sitting there in a room full of twenty people or so, giving them and the judge my sob story and explaining that I'm in way over my head, throwing myself before the mercy of the court. Instead, I was in and out in less than forty minutes, after signing my name ten different times on ten different papers, and handed a small novel of paperwork pertaining to my alleged (now official) criminal offense against the state of Vermont.

So I've got $656 in court fees, and a payment plan set up of no less than $50/month, but I can opt to get it out of the way sooner if I'm so inclined to do so.

I was informed by a public defender today that the state of Vermont doesn't even have the authority to take away my license! (WTF?!) They do have the right to prohibit me from driving a motor vehicle within the state of Vermont, (which does effectively eliminate 97% of my options). It's officially up to the MVA in Maryland what will become of my driving privileges, and I tried several times today in vain to contact them through the busy signal and muzak. Interestingly enough, Maryland's policy on DUIs is to suspend driving privileges for 45 days, which is half of the penalty imposed upon me here in Vermont. So I guess I'll just have to check back in from time to time and see what the hell is going on.

I found out today that I'll have to take both a bullshit alcohol awareness class of my own expense, and even worse, I have to take out TWO DIFFERENT INSURANCE POLICIES FOR MY CAR IN ORDER TO DRIVE AGAIN. Regular insurance, which will be outrageously high in and of itself, and SR-22 insurance, which is a legal document that keeps close tabs on how I'm keeping up with my car insurance as a "high risk driver". So I think I'd be foolish to assume that I'm going to get back on the road for less than $100/month for at least the next year and a half. And that's a real bitch.

So yeah. All things considered, I'm looking at around $1,000 in fees in order to get my license re-instated, and hefty fines after that. You know what? Yeah. I was drunk, and I drove my car. Hell, I was totally drunk. But I was going about 2/3rds of a mile down a completely empty road in 25 mph zones, and I was stopped FOUR HOUSES DOWN from my destination. I only moved my car in the first place to avoid a $10 parking fine which I felt was out of my budget. I really was fine to drive all things considered, but did not account for the fact that cops will do pretty much anything to keep themselves busy at 1:30am on a Sunday night. Moral of the story: Don't hang shit from your rear-view mirror. It's apparently illegal.


I'm at a very strange place in my life right now, and 90% of the stimuli I receive from the society in which I inhabit is that I am a piece of shit worker drone, with all but insurmountable debts to both the government to which I pay taxes, and private institutions whose services I genuinely regret partaking from. I've gone through the entirety of my young adult life feeling indebted to somebody or another, and it's taken its toll. I mean, fuck. How many roads MUST a man walk down before you can call him a man?! I'm a nice guy. Really. I've never done deliberate harm to fucking anybody, and all I want for my life is to enrich the existential experience of my fellow man through the music I have yet to fully realize.

I went out to lunch with my mom today. We talked for a while about my situation, and my frustrations, and we came to the consensus that yeah, it really fucking sucks. BUT AT LEAST I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANYBODY PREGNANT. Man, my shit would be OVER. I wouldn't exactly call that the silver lining on the clouds in the veritable shitstorm above me, but I guess I should count my blessings.

So I think that for right now, my first priority is to get the fuck out of debt so that I can spend my own money on the thing I care about most: Making people cum with a guitar in my hands and a microphone at my lips.

And all I can really do is take it one step at a time.




Over Our Heads by Jon Brion )

Mood: drunk
Music: Jon Brion: Over Our Heads

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-Got arrested for a DUI. Took a Field Sobriety Test, Breathalized, frisked, hand cuffed, finger printed, photographed. Court date on Monday. Max fine: $750. Max jail time: 2 YEARS. 90 day license suspension, skyrocketed car insurance.

I'm a criminal, motherfuckers.


-Said "I love you" to a girl that loves me back. She's rad.
-Moved out of the house in Vermont with my mom. Landlord kicked us out because she wanted to move back home. Mom cried a lot. I drank a lot.
-We are now living out of cardboard liquor boxes in a house owned by a friend of hers. I have a twin bed and a 4x4 foot section of floor in which to put the entirety of my earthly belongings. Clean clothes do not belong on the floor, but there they are. I used to be proud. It's kind of gone out the window since my arrest.
-My drivers' license has been suspended for (hopefully less than) 90 days, so I'm relying on my mom to drive me to work, and my girlfriend to drive me to kisses.
-Bought one of the most beautiful guitars I've ever seen. Reckon I'll play it for people I don't know.


There are plans of moving to a place within walking distance of work a little after July 15th. Don't have access to my computer or a space I can make noise in, so for the meantime, I'll have to survive on cable television and tanqueray.

Aside from a few pleasant highlights, my life for the past month has been nothing short of a fucking bitch. And thems the way it is.

Mood: sore
Music: Jon Brion: Over Our Heads (in my head)

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So I have dial-up at my place, which means that youtube just flat out doesn't work. I've been researching this pedal for a little more than a week or so, and have decided to purchase it. For what I'm doing, it's pretty much the holy grail of guitar pedals. It's a 45 minute ordeal for me to load a three minute video so I'm only going to give you the one example. I've seen a few videos of what it can do, but you can get a pretty good idea of what it does here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5sIKH5y5qU

Nevermind all the gearhead jargon, but the bottom line is that my main deterrent in doing a "one dude & a guitar" thing in a live setting, be it an open mic or a legitimate paid gig has been that there isn't much you can do with the sound, and I think it's kind of boring. But for those of you familiar with the kind of music I do (which sounds NOTHING like that dude), I feel like you might be able to appreciate the possibilities this pedal opens up for me. I'm really big on vocal harmonies, and the thing not only has BUILT IN ALGORITHMS to determine aesthetically pleasing intervals both above and below my own vocals to play harmonies at, but it's based on not a single pre-programmed key that I'm locked into, but the actual chord I'm playing on my guitar! Which frees me up to play any chord in any key with any voicing, and in any style that I want and still be able to count on an interesting sonic palate behind me in real time.

So I think I'm going to do it.

I found the pedal at an online shop on eBay that sells it for $215, which is a pretty fucking great deal in my opinion considering everything it does. I've also got my eyes on a new electric/acoustic guitar I found on craigslist (It's lucky I did because the ad for it expired like TWO HOURS after I found it.) I'm taking a look at it on Sunday. He listed it at $350, and if the action and tone are up to snuff, it'll be a bargain, too. (I've been using the same acoustic guitar for the last SEVEN YEARS, and personally, I think it's time to take it out behind the barn.)

So what else do I need? I guess I should finally spring for a mic stand and I guess a decent guitar amp wouldn't hurt. And I could be out playing open mics in Brattleboro like two weeks after that, once I've got a good feel for the pedal and have a decent set list together.

I'm really excited, and although it's not an ideal situation for me, it's something that I think I can be legitimately happy with until I manage to get some people together to play with. And I think that this could be a great way to get out there and "network" as they say. At the very least, if I'm up on stage doing this crazy thing, people will say, "Man! That guy's doing some crazy thing!" and maybe they'll know a guy who knows a guy.

Who knows? Not me, but I might as well go for it.


*EDIT* 2:36am
Oh, I almost forgot about the cute little Radiohead cover on their website. It's on a little music player on the left hand side. It's only like 53? seconds long or something, but it's a good example of what the pedal can do for an 'indie' sound. Check out the vibrato from 0:12-0:15! Totally lush. Also check out the chord changes during the chorus at the end, and how the vocal harmonies are tastefully within key, yet sonically beneficial to the melody. This thing apparently doesn't miss a beat. (Literally!)
*/EDIT

Mood: excited
Music: Wilco: I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

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I'm starting to think the internet is boring. This is great news.
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It's a Leonard Cohen kind of day.

*EDIT* 10:00pm

It picked up a few hours later. It hasn't been all that bad, really.

*/EDIT*

Mood: okay
Music: Leonard Cohen: Take This Waltz

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Wrote a new one. I'm really happy with both the music and lyrics. It's catchy AND sexy! The seeds of the idea were planted during my trip to Maryland, and once I got back and actually sat down to work on it, it came together pretty quickly. It's a shortie but a goodie. It's only 2:51, and the form (ABAB) is pretty simple. Couldn't think of anything else to do to it, so here it is.

You can download it here.

lyrics )


I hope you enjoy it, because it took like...a half hour to upload on my shitty dial-up connection.

Mood: GAY KITTY!
Music: Gardens: Renouncing the Cults of Our Fathers

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It's 5 in the morning. Wikipedia got me again.

You know what's a really funny word? Footsies. Wikipedia even has an article about playing footsies! There's nothing you can't learn over at Wikipedia. Especially if it isn't true.

Was that a triple negative?


HEY! I'm learning about insomnia! I found this passage from Wikipedia's insomnia page fascinating:

Types of insomnia

Although there are several different degrees of insomnia, three types of insomnia have been clearly identified: transient, acute, and chronic.

Transient insomnia lasts from days to weeks. It can be caused by another disorder, by changes in the sleep environment, by the timing of sleep, severe depression, or by stress. Its consequences - sleepiness and impaired psychomotor performance - are similar to those of sleep deprivation.
Acute insomnia is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of between three weeks to six months.
Chronic insomnia lasts for years at a time. It can be caused by another disorder, or it can be a primary disorder. Its effects can vary according to its causes. They might include sleepiness, muscular fatigue, hallucinations, and/or mental fatigue; but people with chronic insomnia often show increased alertness. Some people that live with this disorder see things as though they were happening in slow motion, whereas moving objects seem to blend together. Can cause double vision.



I dunno, it's kind of a tough call. I mean, I show pretty much all of the symptoms of transient insomnia right on the money except that it's definitely been going on for more than a few weeks. But to say YEARS at a time seems kind of harsh. I'm usually groggy throughout the day, but that's really more from general inactivity than residual effects of insomnia. I don't spend the days hallucinating from sleep deprivation. I just don't usually feel rested or energetic. (Unless it's 3 in the morning.)

I mean, I've always been a night owl, but staying up late because I like to and staying up late because I CAN'T go to sleep are very different things. Are the symptoms of transient insomnia meant to be implied for acute insomnia as well? That definition wasn't really explained very well. To be sure, I've had SERIOUS trouble getting to sleep for at least the last few months, so that seems fair. Very well, it's settled. Acute insomnia, it is! Drinks all around!

What the fuck am I talking about? Why am I doing this? Why am I talking to myself?


....BAM. And there it is, I'm exhausted. Why must I do this night after night after night? My days never end until I just can't go on any more. It's like I'm fighting the concept of laying down for sleep with tooth & nail. It'd be great if my evenings had a little more grace about them. Get to work on that, evenings!!!

Mood: sleepy
Music: Cocteau Twins in my head (something about cherry coal [cola?!]) Loco. (cocoa?)

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*sigh*

Mood: superblah
Music: Cocteau Twins: Frou-Frou Foxes In Midsummer Fires

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Interesting tidbit, the guy Drew who does toothpastefordinner.com & marriedtothesea.com, two excellent webcomics, also does a less frequently updated comic called superpoop.com, which uses images he probably finds from the internet or some other source like that. Anyway, this comic, (coincidentally updated on my birthday), took place in the very town in which I live! I even had to double check that road when I was in town because I was so surprised! Sure enough. That's Harmony Parking Lot in Brattleboro, VT.



And they actually did reinstate the ban on nudity. People were coming in from out of town just to be creepy and obscene. *sigh* What a shame. I guess I'll just have to stick with walking around in my room naked.

Mood: sleepy
Music: Boards of Canada: Olson

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OHLAMENTABLELAMENTATIONS!!! The bridge on that white guitar has caused me nothing but grief and stress. The guy fixing it up is putting the nails back under it that were jimmy rigged into it because the fucking thing was made by some shitty korean company that decided that using fucked up math was a good thing. I ordered a whammy bar and springs and some screws to hold the springs in place, all for naught. NOT THE RIGHT SIZE. Great.

So basically, the whammy bar system is going to be locked up and unusable. As options go, (if I want to use a guitar with a whammy bar system), I can either buy a NEW kahler bridge altogether, which goes for over $300 retail and no less than like $100 used on ebay, or just scrap the whole damn thing and buy a new guitar. Well, I can't afford that shit and I need something now, so I'm just going to go ahead and use it as a fixed bridge guitar. It's teh lame, though. KEVIN SHIELDS, I HAVE FORSAKEN THEE!

Mood: pissed off

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I took my guitar in to get fixed today!!! I checked out three places in Brattleboro online that advertised musical instrument repair, and just wrote down their addresses. I didn't want to just call it in because I recently noticed a crack just inside the guitar next to the bridge, and I've been worried that too much whammy bar action would cause it irreparable damage. (I was way more comfortable taking it from store to store so the people could see the crack in person.)

So I took it in to the first place, a music store on Main Street called "Contemporary Music Store". Actually, one of Chelsea's friends had advised me against going in there because the guy is a total douchebag. But I needed my guitar fixed, so I figured I'd at least check it out. I went in, and right off the bat, I got the impression that the guy wasn't excited to see a customer in his store. I took the guitar out of the limp bass gig bag I was carrying it in, and asked him if he could give me an estimate on how much it might cost. He kind of skirted around the subject and said that he has someone come in and take the instruments home to work on. He wasn't AT ALL interested in letting me show him the crack I was concerned with, let alone anything past that. He said, "Honestly, it's probably going to cost over $150. It isn't even worth it." So I said, "Ok, man. I'll take my business somewhere else." and walked out.

The second place on my list was called quite simply "David Sullivan Stringed Instrument Repair". I went to the address shown, and it was just a plain white rather beat up looking house. There wasn't a sign out front or anything, and I hesitated for like a minute or two before deciding to knock on the door with a broken guitar strapped to my back. This aging hippie, (grizzly but soft at the same time) came to the door, and I asked if he was David. Sure enough he was, and he invited me inside!

I told him I was gifted the guitar from a friend, and it needs some soldering work. I took it out of the bag, and we talked about it for like...fifteen minutes while his little fuzzy poodle licked my hand. I asked him about the pickups, and I was worried that I might need new ones because they looked a little rusted, but he said that I totally didn't because the magnets on the back were still in working order, etc. etc. He knew EXACTLY what he was talking about! I told him about the crack and that I do a lot of whammy bar stuff, and was worried about the structural integrity, and he said he could fix it no problem. He showed me that while all of the official hardware was there for the guitar, the back of the bridge was missing the springs that enable the whammy bar to function properly. So he's going to contact the company to see if he can get them (as well as a whammy bar, which the guitar is missing), and if not, he'll look into getting some that'll work.

He was SO friendly and just genuinely seemed like a really cool guy! After a while of talking, I asked him if he'd be interested in taking it on, and he said, "Oh yeah I can totally do that. I'll uh...I'll have to charge you, though." And I kind of nervously laughed, and said, "Well yeah, I mean, I kind of figured." He said, "It'll probably be around ...60 bucks?" like I was going to storm out furious! This guy was sounding better every minute! I told him that that was TOTALLY reasonable, so he took me into his workshop behind his house, and it was the coziest workshop EVAR! He had all kinds of goodies and gadgets laying around the room, and he explained that he mainly builds and repairs violins, but that he's played a few guitars in his time and he does fix them up as well. He took down my information, and asked me a few last minute questions about the guitar, like "Are you sure you want the humbucker sitting that high?". I don't know SHIT about technical gearhead stuff, so I just told him, "I want a whammy bar, I want it restrung, and everything pretty much standard after that." He said, "Ok. I'll be in touch!", and I left!


THANK GOD. This is EXACTLY the kind of guy I wanted to work on it in the first place. I have every confidence he knows exactly what he's doing, and that he'll take every precaution to make sure it's put together properly and with care. He's doing it for a very reasonable price, and is even ordering parts and restringing it for me! He even mentioned that he liked the slice off the top of the headstock I took because I thought it was too 'metal', and said that he thought the metal pick guard was cool. Man, what a cool guy! : )

I can't wait to get it back.

Mood: excited
Music: Mew: Apocalypso

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23 Skidoo

Mood: 23 Skidoo!
Music: The Beatles: Get Back

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Drinkin' beer. Drifting off to sleep soon.

This one time, I totally played Cornelius's theremin while the keyboard player behind me threw pink flower petals into the air above me. And the bassist came over to put a blue plastic lei around my neck. And Cornelius took my hand and we both bowed to a screaming audience. You remember that? I DO. Man, that was so sweet. I still have that lei hanging on my wall. It's one of my most prized possessions.

I want to be that man so badly, you just have absolutely no idea.


WHY DID NOONE TELL ME THAT CORNELIUS MADE A GUEST APPEARANCE ON YO GABBA GABBA?! WTF.

Mood: daydreamin'...
Music: Cornelius: Chapter 8 - Seashore And Horizon -

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HELL YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Who owns the motherfuckin' house? THE DEMOCRATS!

Who owns the motherfuckin' senate? THE DEMOCRATS!

Who's movin' into 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue? The motherfuckin' democrats.





Three cheers for America for finally growing a pair!

Mood: ecstatic

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So I was working on music today, and as a freak accident, managed to end up with a decent take on that acoustic song I've been working on! I had previously been recording it without a click track, because it's trickier to pull off expressive phrasing when the beat goes on. But I ended up veering off course too often. In the end, I decided to go for fluidity of motion over superb phrasing, but I think it turned out ok!

You can download it here! Like I said before, this is an expedition into previously unexplored territory, so I'd really like to know what you think about it.

Lyrics )

Mood: relaxed
Music: Gardens: Mirror, Mirror (in my head)

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(banner courtesy of Drew)

Mood: I R VOTED!

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I just realized that I have 338 unfinished garageband files on my computer. 338 times I've sat down and decided to create something that was ultimately left unfinished.

Twenty of them are probably empty because I was too fucked up at the time to plug in a guitar or a microphone, and I'd guess a little over 100 of them are only a single riff or phrase, that died simply because I couldn't get the accompaniment recorded before I forgot it. It seems like good ideas are as fleeting as they are exciting, most of the time.

But the rest of it is a rather large and extensive untapped reservoir of ideas and concepts! I've had this computer for over three years now, and every musical idea I've ever had since then has been lazily chronicled and shoved in a folder, nameless and without a decent skeleton. I don't even know where to begin if I were to look through it! I just sat down with a track tonight to look it over again, and I absolutely love it, but it's nothing more than an A-section and a bridge. It's a GREAT A-section, to be sure! But if you start out with nine vocal tracks, three guitar tracks, a bass track, and two drum tracks (with a tambourine intro), it's kind of hard to know where to go from there.

That's what I hate about the music I write. It sounds SO EPIC in my head, but the process of getting it from there onto my computer before it distorts itself is such a stressful and time-sensitive effort that it often leaves me too frustrated to continue. I mean, what the hell do I think I'm doing? I can't even read sheet music. I wish I had a dedicated programmer to do all this shit for me on the other side of a sound-proof pane of glass.

I think the easiest thing to do at this point would be to get a groovy little connector box (whose official name eludes me in my sleep-drunk state), so I can plug ALL of my instruments into my computer at once, and simply switch between them electronically, and when appropriate, record through them simultaneously! It's a HUGE bitch to have to unplug my microphone and plug in my bass, and then unplug that and plug in the guitar mic, and do it all over again twenty times before I'm satisfied with a single track. I spend too much time on making the sound reach my computer and not enough time on making the sound.

Note to self: get one of those groovy little connector boxes. (In-box?) Maybe.




I wrote a song about two weeks ago or so, for just me and my guitar. I've only ever written one other song on guitar. And it was just awful. I mean, really bad. (That, and I genuinely prefer a larger, more epic sound than one dude and a guitar can make.) But I'm running out of options, and I really just want to get the fuck out there. So I wrote it. And it's alright. You can't listen to it yet, though. Making full band, studio-style music is a piece of cake. A little snippet of editing here or there doesn't sound bad at all, but if the sound is that naked, I feel like I don't want a damn soul to hear it unless it's just a really, really, really, really good song. And having the record button on for three minutes at a time is an awful lot of pressure to not fuck up ever.

AAHHH!!! I HATE FUCKING UP!!! Seriously. I mean, I've done probably close to fifty different takes with that fucking song. I rarely make it thirty seconds in without being a fraction of a second off of the beat in just a single measure, and then it's instantly not as good as it could be. It's totally done, and I want to share it with people, but it doesn't sound like I want it to, you know? So I can't ever REALLY be happy about sharing it with people. All I can ever say is, "Well, it sounds better in my head.", which isn't the best way to jump-start my career, to say the least.


*sigh* I dunno. Recording music is hard.

Mood: contemplative
Music: sure is hard!

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HOORAY! I got a speeding ticket today. $147, to be paid within 20 days. There goes my last paycheck from Trader Joe's. I was going to pay one of my many overdue bills with that.

I was listening to my iPod when he pulled me over. Luckily, he didn't notice. I'm pretty sure it's illegal. But you know what song I was listening to? Fresh Feeling, by the Eels. I was in a great mood, and I was going into town to hand in my applications. I was trying to be responsible. I was trying to take control of my fucked up life, and I was punished for being too stressed out to take it easy on the road.

I fail at everything. I hate my life. I hate everything.



The officer was really nice, though. Very polite and he spoke very gently and slowly. He went back to his car, and I broke down into tears. I stayed there for about five minutes, just sobbing into my hands.

I quit smoking for a month the other day, but I just bought a pack of cigarettes today with my last six dollars. Gonna smoke the whole thing. Fuck it.




FUCK IT.

Mood: FUCK IT.
Music: Bob Dylan: Subterranean Homesick Blues

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So a little more than a year ago, my mom moved up to Vermont. Wanting to stick around in Maryland until Rachel left for study abroad in the spring semester, (the beginning of February, or thereabouts), I moved in with my grandma in Harford County. I was broke and didn't have anywhere else to go. It was horrible and degrading. I had no internet connection, and no transportation to get me the hell out of the house if I needed to get the hell out of the house.

After Rachel left, I came up to Vermont, hoping to make it work for myself up here. Rachel and I talked often, but outside of those conversations, I was pretty miserable. I had no money or transportation, so even looking for a job was difficult. Under the loose council of my cousin Joel, I decided to go to bartending school and attempt to pay off my student debts in a single summer, down in Ocean City. I had it all planned out, you know. I was riding in on easy street from that point on. Vermont was a total wash, but I was finally in control of my life for the first time, and wasn't it great?

Well I went to Ocean City. And I couldn't find a bartending gig fucking ANYWHERE. But I worked. And despite the fact that I worked my ass off, it just so happened to be Ocean City's worst year for tourism in ages. And the bills started piling up. And I got worried and thought about leaving. And people said, "No way, dude! You have to stay. Things will get better!", and so I stayed. And the bills piled up even more. And THEN, I left.

So I came to Towson, having been in frequent conversation with my friends John, Paul & Dan and we had a plan for to make music together! We had it all worked out. I moved in with J & D, and it was great for a while. But things got tense, and we decided that it wasn't going to be good for our relationship if I stayed there. Despite having found a job that I actually enjoyed pulling an eight hour shift at, my complete lack of a savings fund left me with no options but to return to Vermont. I didn't know anybody else looking for a roommate, and I didn't really have any money to give somebody up front for rent, anyway.


Broken and lost, I've returned to Vermont with a tally sheet of failed attempts at financial independence & enjoying my life fully and genuinely. I can only imagine how my credit score has plummeted in this time, and I owe thousands of dollars I wouldn't have if I'd never left. But worst of all, I feel like I have more experience failing than succeeding.




I have four monthly student loans, all independent of each other and with different due dates, interest rates, and price tags. I have rent to pay. Car insurance to deal with. I need to get the tags of my car changed, and get a new license, and pay back all the people I owe money to, and I need to do all of this before I can ever worry about myself. How am I supposed to ever make it as a musician with all of this hanging over my head? Look at what I've been reduced to! I'm a shriveled mess of a human being right now. I feel like I'm always depressed; I'm either lethargic or sleeping. I'm excruciatingly lonely, and I can't even work myself up to go look for a job.

I did the math the other day. On an $8/hour job before taxes, which is what I was making at Trader Joe's, with all of my student loans in effect, (Luckily the largest of them all is in deferment right now), with car insurance and rent all factored in, if I log a full 40 hours a week, I'll have roughly $38 to myself, to spend on food or anything else I could want. A month. That's not even $10/week. How can society expect me to survive like this, let alone thrive as a musician? I don't even know where to begin. At this rate, (and I'm speaking quite literally), I'll NEVER be able to afford the equipment and gear I need to make quality recordings, and I'll never have the time or energy to truly devote to being the artist I want to be.

I'm going to be 23 in about three weeks. I have $6 to my name, and I live with my mom. I tell myself I'm a great musician, but less than a hundred people even know I make and record music, let alone genuinely enjoy it. I feel like a failure. In almost every aspect of my life, I feel like a complete failure.

It occurs to me that nobody really wants to see a 45-year old man on stage with a receding hairline and a beer gut, playing a guitar and singing songs about being young. And it seems as though, while not written in stone, there is a time table of sorts on becoming a famous musician. And if I don't start playing shows soon, I fear I may never make it.

It scares me to death, and despite the impressive amount of hours I've officially been unconscious recently, I feel like I haven't slept in a very long time.


How am I ever supposed to deal with this shit? I have no experience in juggling debt, I don't know any musicians who want to make music with me, I have no tangible assets, and I'm really really really sad.




FAIL.

Mood: completely lost

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I've been telling myself for two weeks to write up a serious journal entry encompassing my existential woes, worries & contemplations, as well as document the last year of my life from about last October blow by blow, which I feel is a time in my life all its own that I haven't given justice in text.

It's a time that's rocked me to my core with despair, confusion and loneliness.

I don't want to do it now, though. I'll do it very soon, I think.



Sometimes, the things I've gone through make me feel very old. It makes me tired.

Mood: tired
Music: The Rosebuds: Boxcar

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Why hasn't Nintendo come out with a game featuring King Bowser as the main protagonist? There's an enormous market for that! (Mainly because he's awesome.) Aside from being a really fun project to work on, I imagine it would be a very good business move to give the people Bowser's side of the story.


He's a simple enough guy, you know? All he really wants is to be left alone, in his well furnished and liberally staffed castle with some attractive female company, and that self-righteous douchebag plumber has to always burst down the door, jump on all of his employees, (the worker's comp must make his business insurance go through the roof!) and he's all, "Oh princess I'll save you!", when really he just gets his jollies from cockblocking hard working turtle kings. What an asshole. You can tell from the moustache.

I think it's finally time that Bowser gets his day. He needs some good fortune a hell of a lot more than that damn Trix rabbit. All he wants is some fucking cereal. I mean, get a job. Buy your own damn cereal! It's only like four bucks. Not that big of a deal.



*sigh*


Ok. I guess I'll go look for a job, now.

Mood: exanimate
Music: Some ambient Aphex Twin song in my head

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How depressing. I put up AIM today to let people message me as I'm packing stuff up, and I went to set up an away message to say that I'm packing boxes and moving today, and I realized that I already have one designated for such a time. I only have like seven away messages.

I move too much. I hate moving.




Today is my last day in Towson! I figured I was getting out of here early this morning, but that just wasn't going to happen.

PAUL, I need to get your stuff back to you. Let me know when you're free. If I don't get to see you, damn. But I'll give it to Sam.


Jorn, my little emotikitty goes out to you. I think you know why.

Mood: I'M MOVIIIIN'!!!!
Music: Midlake: She Removes Her Spiral Hair

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So my mom just forwarded this to me:


A dear, sweet friend of mine, sent me this....

Begin forwarded message:

>
> “I pledge allegiance to the Fed
> of the United Banks of America,
> and to the Republicans who fucked us all
> Ruination under Dubya, in the poor house,
> With Liberty and Justice for sale.”



I think "In da poor house" has a nicer ring to it, but I got a kick out of it all the same. And the fact that my mom felt the need to forward that to me at 11:11pm.

Mood: sleepy
Music: Billy Bragg & Wilco: Way Over Yonder In The Minor K (in my head)

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- Living situation with John & Dan didn't work out. They asked me to leave. We're all still on good terms. We gave it a shot, it just didn't work out. It's cool.

- Found out my mom's chemo didn't work. She's doing it again. I've decided I'm definitely moving back up to Vermont to help out as best I can.

- Gave my two week notice at Trader Joe's this morning.

- After I serve out my two weeks, I'm moving up, assuming my car is healthy enough for the trip.

- Just spent $97.90 at Jiffy Lube on an oil and transmission fluid change. It's already running A LOT more smoothly. Want to go out for a serious drive to test it out. We'll see what happens.



- I still have a foreskin. It's still awesome. Don't circumcise your son(s).

Mood: sore
Music: Mario 64: Castle foyer theme (in my head)

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What the fuck? You know that Lain icon I always use when I'm feeling like crap? It's apparently a cat now. I have no idea what's up with that. I just clicked on the word "Lain" in amongst my user icons, and lo, yon cat doth gaze upon me. Does anyone know who this cat is?! What the FUCK. I can't imagine anyone breaking into my LJ account just to change my user icon to a ghost cat. It's bizarre enough not to change it, honestly.



Feeling frustrated and a bit emo recently. Working at Trader Joe's is fun, but very hard.

I won't be paid for another two weeks from today, I think. That sucks. I basically have no money for food or gas to put in my car, I'm two months behind on my car insurance payment, which I didn't even know until like two days ago, I'm $322 in the hole for a loan I didn't even know I had, and I should have changed the oil in my car over 6,000 miles ago. I'm working really hard now, and it's very frustrating to come home after a really hard day and still be totally broke. I've been surviving on a diet of pasta and salt for weeks. A little butter if I'm feeling saucy. I would kill for a fucking sandwich on rye once in a while. And of course, I'm smoking more cigarettes than I can count. They really cut down on the hunger pangs, but they make me feel even shittier when I don't have any actual food to put into me. It's a vicious cycle. Still, they're cheaper than food.

The food I miss the most? Cheeeeeeeese. Beautiful cheese.

I guess I've just been depressed in general recently. I've lost a lot of momentum I had for getting music together that I had when I first moved back to Towson. Hopefully that'll revive itself when I actually have money to spend on the gear we need. I guess I've been feeling a general lack of mystery, adventure and magic in my life recently and it's bumming me the fuck out.


Well, I've got to go to work soon. I get off at 11. I'm lonely. Come play with me soon.

...please?

Mood: *sigh*
Music: Radiohead: I Might Be Wrong

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Ugh. There was a store meeting at 9:30 tonight, and it let out about an hour ago. And I'm working from 3am-11am tomorrow! What should I do?! It's almost midnight, but I don't know if I should just stay up or go to sleep now! I'm a little sleepy, but I'm worried that if I fall asleep now, my body will crave the whole night's sleep! But if I stay awake now, I'll be totally dead at 7 in the morning. Well, I'm listening to Polmo Polpo so sleep is probably imminent. I will nod. I will nod off.

My brother Jorn hooked me up with this EXCELLENT song, composed almost entirely of sounds sampled from Disney's Alice in Wonderland! You have to watch it here.












































































































































































contemplate infinity. It'll do you good.

Mood: sleepy
Music: Polmo Polpo: Farewell

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A list of all the things I've had to eat today:

crackers





I am so poor.

Music: Elliott Smith: Somebody That I Used To Know

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Holy SHIT!!!! Check out this awesome picture! It'll probably stand to be the most hilarious picture you've ever seen on the internet. Seriously.
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Terran Reinsel
User: [info]ame0toko
Name: Terran Reinsel
As time goes by...
Back July 2009
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Some crap I gave up on...
And it's our lives.
You'll be given love.
You'll be taken care of.
You'll be given love.
You have to trust it.
Maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours.
Maybe not from the direction
you are staring at.
Twist your head around.
It's all around you.
All is full of love.
All around you.
All is full of love.
You just ain't receiving.
All is full of love.
Your phone is off the hook.
All is full of love.
Your doors are shut.
All is full of love.

In any language,

all is full of love.
Interesting things!
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